You need to make a list of requirements for dating
It’s not a good idea to go into dating blindly and trying to figure stuff out along the way. When you start seeing someone you tend to wear rose colored glasses and let things slip through. That’s why it’s necessary to come prepared.
When you have a set list of requirements it’s much easier to sift through the dating pool and to not settle for less than you deserve.
How to make?
Sit down and make a list with three columns.
First one will be the things that you absolutely can’t do without.
Second will contain things that you for sure can’t tolerate under any circumstances – all of deal breakers, turn offs and your personal boundaries go here.
Third column is actually optional, but still good to have – things that you would like, but could definitely be happy without them; a list of bonuses if you will.
Superficial stuff, like appearance, should go in the third column but there surely are exceptions to this rule – some physical traits can be turn offs and that’s okay, everybody has their preferences (I, for example, can’t stand bitten nails, that will make me run in the opposite direction, just imagining how they feel when you touch them, ugh)
It should be done thoughtfully, slow and steady, there’s no need to rush it. Think about it carefully and make sure you didn’t miss anything.
For the most part the list should be consisting of personality traits and social skills, because those are the things that matter the most in any person.
Of course, tall, handsome and buff sounds great and is great in theory but that is not something you need to be looking for, that’s just a nice addition.
In my opinion, the most important thing is the sense of humor. If the guy isn’t funny, there’s nothing else that will make up for that. Next one is intelligence, both regular and emotional. Patience and respect, the will to understand, open mind, communication skills, similar life goals – all of these are great examples of traits of a good partner
How to use?
When you meet someone new and it looks like that person could be a potential partner, don’t just jump right in.
Observe. You have a list now, and you need to compare the two.
If you’re thinking, oh, but that is too harsh to do it to somebody, no, it’s not. It may seem like that on the surface, but if you dig deeper, it actually is the best thing you can do not only for yourself, but for that person also.
Let me explain. When you get in a relationship based only on looks, on first impression, on whatever you’ve been presented with in the beginning, it will most likely flop.
Eventually some of your needs will not be met, or the habits this guy has, that you initially disliked, will drive you nuts.
And on the other hand, if you stay cool-headed for a little longer and maybe stay a little skeptical, making sure all the necessary requirements are being met, it will be not only way more fair to you (getting the right person and saving you from disappointment later on) but also fair to the other person.
If they’re not right for you and you figure it out on early stages, it will be a much cleaner break and you won’t hurt them as much as you would if it would be dragged out longer.
Can you imagine getting in a relationship with a guy who is, for example, an alcoholic and you absolutely can’t stand it whatsoever, but you decide to be with him anyway, because he is good looking and kind, and understanding; then, let’s say five years down the line, he still has drinking issues and no desire to change anything no matter how many times you ask him, and you still are not okay with the whole situation.
Now, if we rewind those five years back, what would be better?
Getting into a relationship or letting that person go as soon as you realize that he has a trait out of the column with the deal breakers?
Let them go. You won’t be able to change them, ever. You have to always remember, that you’re supposed to fall in love with whom the person is right now, right here, not whom they could potentially become or not become in the future.
The more you date, the older and more mature you get, the more precise the list is going to become.
Does that mean that it will get harder to find a partner? Yes and no.
First of all, “more precise” doesn’t equal longer. While of course you will add new things to that list, you will also remove stuff, I’m sure of that. Priorities change together with your outlook on life over the years.
Second, people come and go from the dating pool all the time, each time you’re single there are different guys (it’s especially true if you’re living in a relatively big area or if you’re willing to move/be in a long-distance relationship).
Being pickier – and I don’t mean it in a bad way – will save you a ton of time and heartbreak, and in my opinion, it makes you a better person because of you not giving false hope to people whom you recognize as being incompatible with you.
Also, I am a firm believer in a theory that you’re way better off alone than with somebody you chose for all the wrong reasons.
One last thing – you have to be mindful and careful with building your list. It’s still very possible to be too picky. Make sure that you will have all your needs met but be realistic at the same time – distinguish your actual needs from wants. It’s also a good idea to ask someone who knows you well, who truly cares about you, to review your requirements and give you some feedback on them.
Remember, looking out for yourself and thinking about your future, comfort and happiness is not egotistical, it’s healthy.