Why you shouldn’t get back together with your ex
I am a firm believer in not giving failed relationships second chances. It’s okay to want it sometimes and giving it a thought is not gonna kill you. But is it a good thing to actually reunite?
There is always a reason why it didn’t work out and trying to start over won’t make this reason go away
Breakup is the last resort.
A lot of the problems can be solved if both parties are willing to work on it.
If you broke up without trying to fix anything, you really shouldn’t get back together – it shows that the relationship was just not that important to one of you or both of you.
If you actually tried to fix it and it turned out to be impossible, then there’s no getting back together either. The problem is gonna be there still. It won’t magically disappear, and if it led to a breakup once, it will lead to it again and again.
The end of a relationship is never a walk in a park. It’s always painful at least for one person, especially if you were together for a significant amount of time.
If you broke up with someone, you’ve surely caused them some distress and trying to get them to come back to you is an asshole move. If they left you in shambles, let you go through all of the pain and disappointment of a breakup and then came back like nothing happened, do they even care about how you feel?
There are millions of great people out there, why settle for something that already didn’t work out once?
Yeah, I know, you probably are thinking that you don’t want anybody else right now. In that case it’s a good idea to be alone for a while, to reset, recharge, rethink and give yourself the love you deserve (Here’s why you should love yourself before loving someone else)
Situations when you DEFINITELY shouldn’t get back together
If jealousy is the reason
It’s incredibly common for the person who initiated the breakup to see their ex with someone new, immediately get jealous and start wanting to give the relationship a second chance.
It happens a lot.
Jealousy is irrational and it causes people to make irrational decisions. Reunions fueled by jealousy are as feeble as it gets – after you’re back on, the initiator will lose interest fairly quickly, because the reason the break up happened in the first place is still there.
If not enough time has passed
Not only time heals the emotional wounds, it allows change to happen.
Change is crucial for a do-over, if the both of you are absolutely the same you were before, the history will repeat itself.
It only makes sense to try again when you’ve grown emotionally, got over the situation, learned your lessons and completely cooled off. All of that doesn’t happen overnight, it’s a long and complicated process with inevitable setbacks along the way.
If he cheated
I mean, it’s pretty obvious, isn’t it? They say, once a cheater, always a cheater – don’t hope he’ll change, that won’t happen. Cheating is never a mistake, it’s a choice.
If you cheated
No matter how sorry you are, don’t try to get him to give you a second chance. There won’t be any trust anymore and a relationship without trust is a shitshow. Nobody deserves betrayal and nobody is entitled to forgiveness, so the best thing you can do is to move on and try to do better next time.
If either of you were abusive, mentally and/or physically
Getting back together when there’s abuse involved is a recipe for a disaster. Whether you’re the one being abused or you are the abuser, it’ll get only worse and it’s pretty unhealthy for both of you. It’s not normal – it’s dangerous. Those kinds of relationships are ticking timebombs and they often end badly.
If you want different things in life
…or from a relationship. Pretty often exes offer somewhat of a friends with benefits type deal. If that’s what you want too, fine, but do you actually?
For a relationship to succeed, your life goals, desires and views should be at the very least similar. If they’re vastly different it won’t work because in many cases it won’t be possible to reach a consensus of any kind. Don’t try getting into it hoping things will change eventually.
You need to be living in the present, not the potential future.
If you want it back only because you lost it
Ask yourself, why do you want to get back together? Is there a logical reason? Or is your mind just playing tricks on you?
People tend to want to get what they’ve lost back, it’s human nature.
It’s no different with relationships. When you lose someone, particularly if it wasn’t your choice, the value of that person increases to you even when there’s no logical reasoning behind it. You start appreciating them more, you reflect on your past behavior and try to figure out where it all went wrong. But it’s all in your head.
Take that person off the pedestal.
If the only reason is that you miss the old times
Do you find yourself reminiscing over the past and wishing things would go back the way they were?
Don’t mistake it for a reason for getting back together. Being nostalgic is a normal thing, it doesn’t mean you actually want to go back or that it’s even a good idea.
There are situations when you can get back together, of course, but, first of all, those are incredibly rare and second, even then the chances that the relationship will work out are pretty slim.
What are those situations?
If you broke up because of the distance and now you’re in the same city.
Long distance relationships rarely work, so it’s understandable that the two of you broke up.
If the miles between you were the only problem in the relationship, and the both of you genuinely want to give it another shot, then go for it. Who knows, maybe it will be the best decision?
If you broke up because of different opinions on things and now there’s no disagreement.
Maybe he wanted three kids and you wanted none. Or you wanted to live in the city and he was fond of the suburbs. Whatever it might be, a disagreement on an important subject can easily tear people apart, and sometimes it’s a good choice to end things over it.
But if years down the line you see each other again and learn that your views are different from what they were before, surely the relationship could potentially work at that point.
If both of you are willing to work on the relationship.
I don’t mean the situation when he cheated on you and then begs you to take him back because he is “a changed person” all of the sudden. Or when either of you start regretting the break up.
I mean the point in time when you’ve had enough time to think about it, time to take care of yourself; and then make a decision with a completely cool head. No less than a year after the breakup. And even then it’s not the greatest idea.
I know it’s hard to think rationally when there are feelings involved, but you have to let your head lead the way, not your heart.
99,9% of failed relationships don’t deserve a revival. Even if you get back together there’s no guarantee it’ll last, especially if you do it for all the wrong reasons. And, to be honest, people don’t get back together for a good reason usually.
It’s okay to move on, meet new people and never look back.
Sometimes you just can’t fix what’s broken.